6 months later after it all began and this story is still continuing. It feels great to say we are back to being friends, but it is indeed dangerous. Figures... it is somewhat impossible just to remain "just friends" with no ties with someone you have a history with like everyone says. Especially in this situation. I never got closure, hence why my mind has not shut down the idea of the possibility. If you don't get closure, doesn't that leave things with open ties? It's not over? I don't know, my mind is filling with these silly things and I know I am sure damn playing with fire again. Why put my hand back in the fire that burned me bad the last time I did it? I don't know. My heart has this feeling, and to be honest, my heart is usually good at predicting these things. I'm still insistent that the way things ended wasn't because of the reason why I, as well as many others, thought it did. Deep down inside, I know there's another reason why. I'm still waiting for that explanation, and with that explanation is the only way I can shut down from my mind continuing wondering why things ended the way they did. Give me a peace of mind. The way we constantly caught eyes this past weekend insists that the feelings are still there. The way we look away once we accidentally meet eyes can only make me imagine what is going through your mind that moment we look away. The way you looked at me when we talked gave my heart these rush of emotions and flashbacks to the good times we shared. No, not from the attraction, but I could just feel the sense of curiosity between us two.
Call me stupid, but the door is still cracked open. It's not over. Not just yet. I believe in it. I'm not going to spend my whole life waiting on that moment for us to admit it to each other, but I do have a great instinct that one day, things just might come back together. Yup, it's easy to reignite a fire that never died, but the only reason why I'm not shutting out the idea completely is because I certainly have this instinct going off in my head that I've had since the moment you tried to blow the fire out... that things didn't play out the way they were supposed to. It's supposed to play out another way. The way things ended was not how we wanted it to..
it's not over....
Monday, June 24, 2013
Sunday, March 31, 2013
wide awake
so as I decide to close in on a chapter in my life and begin a new one, figured it's time to go back to my blogspot to write the conclusion to this story... one that I'll look back at in maybe a couple of months, maybe even years, and think to myself, "damn, that was some crazy shit."
one of the first lessons I learned, or rather gained more insight on, was how unexpected and spontaneous life could be. for one, I never thought I woulda went through what I did in this whole situation in my whole life or would it be with that first guy I laid eyes on when I first came into the store for my job interview. never did I think a "dude, go to Steve Aoki" would land me to where I stand today.
these past 3 months have been pretty damn crazy. they were full of new friendships, new connections, hundreds of texts, countless hours spent talking, new experiences... so much happened in just 3 months. heck, it was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster that had my emotions constantly throwing sharp ass curveballs at me for the better and the worse.
as I look back at this situation, I can't believe how crazy for going how far I went regardless of all the warning and danger signs posted right in front of my face. yup, I ended up getting up the most heartbroken I've ever felt in my life, but do I regret anything?
honestly, beyond all the hurt I've been going through, I don't regret any of this. as I look back at everything, I remember all the good times we had. All the conversations we shared, the smiles he put on my face, the laughter he brought to me, the times we'd talk for hours and wouldn't notice how fast time would pass us by... just everything. they were good memories that I will cherish forever, even if things didn'y work out. he brought me some kind of happiness during this chapter in my life and I am forever grateful for that. he also opened my eyes to some things in life, and to this day, I will keep them to heart. everything happened for a reason, and heck, some of them suck really bad to look back at, but one day in the future when I'll be fully moved on, I'll understand why things happened the way they did. there's nothing left to do but be happy and grateful for the great times we shared, to learn and grow stronger from the hurt, and to prove, if anything, I was more of a loss to you than you being a loss to me.
I really do thank you for everything. The memories. The conversations. The butterflies. The cheesy smiles. The pain. The connection. The heartbreak. I do wish you the best in life, but as for now, it's best that we are apart. I thank God for the the great friendship we had while it lasted, but what will be forever planted in my mind is that everything happens for a reason. only He knows if we will ever cross paths again in the future, whether if we'll even just be friends, but for now, I rest my case. I'm cutting myself loose from something that I wanted real bad and relentlessly fought my own mind and emotions with the false hope thinking beyond these "red flags", I would be able to prove them all wrong. I know I deserve so much better than this, but as for now, I'm going to live my life and whatever's meant to be will eventually come to me. No need to chase and try to make something that won't happen, happen.
I know I tried my best, and with that, I no longer need to wonder "what if" I didn't try things out with you. I learned a shit ton from this crazy ass situation and even found myself feeling the happiest I've ever felt in my life, and that's all that matters to me. plus, I truly learned who truly was my friend and proved that to me in this mighty time of struggle.
Goodbye friend, I really did enjoy it while it lasted, and I hope you did also.
one of the first lessons I learned, or rather gained more insight on, was how unexpected and spontaneous life could be. for one, I never thought I woulda went through what I did in this whole situation in my whole life or would it be with that first guy I laid eyes on when I first came into the store for my job interview. never did I think a "dude, go to Steve Aoki" would land me to where I stand today.
these past 3 months have been pretty damn crazy. they were full of new friendships, new connections, hundreds of texts, countless hours spent talking, new experiences... so much happened in just 3 months. heck, it was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster that had my emotions constantly throwing sharp ass curveballs at me for the better and the worse.
as I look back at this situation, I can't believe how crazy for going how far I went regardless of all the warning and danger signs posted right in front of my face. yup, I ended up getting up the most heartbroken I've ever felt in my life, but do I regret anything?
honestly, beyond all the hurt I've been going through, I don't regret any of this. as I look back at everything, I remember all the good times we had. All the conversations we shared, the smiles he put on my face, the laughter he brought to me, the times we'd talk for hours and wouldn't notice how fast time would pass us by... just everything. they were good memories that I will cherish forever, even if things didn'y work out. he brought me some kind of happiness during this chapter in my life and I am forever grateful for that. he also opened my eyes to some things in life, and to this day, I will keep them to heart. everything happened for a reason, and heck, some of them suck really bad to look back at, but one day in the future when I'll be fully moved on, I'll understand why things happened the way they did. there's nothing left to do but be happy and grateful for the great times we shared, to learn and grow stronger from the hurt, and to prove, if anything, I was more of a loss to you than you being a loss to me.
I really do thank you for everything. The memories. The conversations. The butterflies. The cheesy smiles. The pain. The connection. The heartbreak. I do wish you the best in life, but as for now, it's best that we are apart. I thank God for the the great friendship we had while it lasted, but what will be forever planted in my mind is that everything happens for a reason. only He knows if we will ever cross paths again in the future, whether if we'll even just be friends, but for now, I rest my case. I'm cutting myself loose from something that I wanted real bad and relentlessly fought my own mind and emotions with the false hope thinking beyond these "red flags", I would be able to prove them all wrong. I know I deserve so much better than this, but as for now, I'm going to live my life and whatever's meant to be will eventually come to me. No need to chase and try to make something that won't happen, happen.
I know I tried my best, and with that, I no longer need to wonder "what if" I didn't try things out with you. I learned a shit ton from this crazy ass situation and even found myself feeling the happiest I've ever felt in my life, and that's all that matters to me. plus, I truly learned who truly was my friend and proved that to me in this mighty time of struggle.
Goodbye friend, I really did enjoy it while it lasted, and I hope you did also.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
output
hey blogspot, sorry that I've abandoned you. I guess it's kinda sad that I only turn to you when I really need to vent and express my emotions because Tumblr is just another world now, but here I am again, ready to vent. also because he follows me on every social media I have now except this hidden gem, so I can't really subtweet or anything anymore hahah.
this is the problem with love. or what we think is love. you give someone the ability to make you ultimately happy or ultimately sad. you risk it all on the line and put your heart in their hands. and if you got a crazy mind like mine, they control their emotions with every single action they have. I honestly never saw myself being in the position I am right now. this situation is so crazy I can't even fathom how I got into it... seriously never woulda thought. that's another crazy thing about life, the unexpected always happens, but that's what makes life so damn interesting.
the moment I first saw you... I never thought we'd end up where we are now. it really mindblows me, but sometimes fate brings us to cross paths. playing with fire was indeed the perfect term with this. I got involved in something that I knew would hurt me in the end. of course I knew it was bad, but it was this feeling that I couldn't help but resist. if magnets cross paths and attract.. they just do, there's no questioning it. I'm so damn confused that I really just want to shed a tear but it's just so sad that I've grown almost immune to the pain of heartbreaks. never in my life have I ever felt so restrained from something that made me genuinely happy. love can seriously either make you insanely happy or insanely sad.
guilty? of course I felt guilty. but you did nothing to stop any of it, and I did nothing as well. we are both at fault. no matter how much I tried to push these feelings away, they would just come back to me. I keep trying to detach myself from you just because I know this is going to end in a disaster. instead, I kept falling and falling and falling deeper into the hole. enjoying the ride while it lasted y'know? I mean, at least for you, you'll have happiness at either end. for me, I'm pretty much absolute positive I'm going to leave this mess emptyhanded. it's not easy giving up feelings like this....
dear world, I have grown to learn that one of the most painful things to do is to be in love with something you can't have.
"Hold still right before we crash cause we both know how it ends... our clock ticks till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again."
this is the problem with love. or what we think is love. you give someone the ability to make you ultimately happy or ultimately sad. you risk it all on the line and put your heart in their hands. and if you got a crazy mind like mine, they control their emotions with every single action they have. I honestly never saw myself being in the position I am right now. this situation is so crazy I can't even fathom how I got into it... seriously never woulda thought. that's another crazy thing about life, the unexpected always happens, but that's what makes life so damn interesting.
the moment I first saw you... I never thought we'd end up where we are now. it really mindblows me, but sometimes fate brings us to cross paths. playing with fire was indeed the perfect term with this. I got involved in something that I knew would hurt me in the end. of course I knew it was bad, but it was this feeling that I couldn't help but resist. if magnets cross paths and attract.. they just do, there's no questioning it. I'm so damn confused that I really just want to shed a tear but it's just so sad that I've grown almost immune to the pain of heartbreaks. never in my life have I ever felt so restrained from something that made me genuinely happy. love can seriously either make you insanely happy or insanely sad.
guilty? of course I felt guilty. but you did nothing to stop any of it, and I did nothing as well. we are both at fault. no matter how much I tried to push these feelings away, they would just come back to me. I keep trying to detach myself from you just because I know this is going to end in a disaster. instead, I kept falling and falling and falling deeper into the hole. enjoying the ride while it lasted y'know? I mean, at least for you, you'll have happiness at either end. for me, I'm pretty much absolute positive I'm going to leave this mess emptyhanded. it's not easy giving up feelings like this....
dear world, I have grown to learn that one of the most painful things to do is to be in love with something you can't have.
"Hold still right before we crash cause we both know how it ends... our clock ticks till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again."
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