The whisper in my heart that speaks to me.

I'm getting really lazy to blog about my day now.. but I'm pretty tired. Yesterday was the rally, which was fun and had no academics. I was dead after from yelling for roll call and doing the dance for the lipsync. Chill day. Went to Wingstop with Mikha and Rio. Hella gooood. Went home, James and Matt picked me up and we went to the church to practice for the skit. Blahblahblah. Stuff happened, but it's all good now right? God always gets us through everything.

But the meeting yesterday really made me feel more blessed than I already do. Damn, everything I go through in life is just so GREAT. I can't help but smile. Of course, everything good that happens in my life is an obvious blessing, but the greatest struggles that God has put me through was at first disguised as a great burden, but sooner or later, I realize it is a blessing for it has either made me stronger, helped me realize stuff, or has taught me something.

Lol, who knew that it could of gotten so blown up? -_-

ANYWAYS, I can hella see it. I can hella feel it. The feeling is insane. God is telling me something, and it's coming to me strongly. How about you?

I wish...

Sometimes, I just wish...
..I could be as pretty as everyone around me
..I could have perfect flawless skin like everybody else
..I wasn't as skinny as everyone tells me I am
..I was better with words
..I could be as humble as I should be
..I could be nice to everyone
..I could have the grades that will finally satisfy my parents
..I could be the fast runner as everyone expects me to be
..I wouldn't be such a hypocrite
..I could have keep a strong convicted faith with God forever..
..I could be that girl that all the guys seem to chase after
..I could feel talented in some way, whether it be singing or whatsoever
..I could say I've had a boyfriend, which I've never had
..I could dress nicely, like the people you see in magazines
..I was as smart as those same people who always get the awards
..I wasn't so forgetful, it gets me in trouble a lot
..I could be more appreciative of what I have
..that people wouldn't expect me to know everything
..that people would know all the burdens I hide within me everyday
..people wouldn't question my skin (ugh, eczema.)
..people would look me in the eyes when they talk to me, not the flaws on my face
..I could have the right words to say, but it's kinda hard for me

&that's not even the half of it. There's so many things I hide within me..

Blessing #1

Lisa Beltran

I'd like to praise God for this sister of mine. She used to be one of those people I'd just see at YFC meetings. Knowing of her, but not really knowing her. It wasn't until I went to my first YFC Camp that I graduated at. August 11-13, 2006. Lisa was assigned my DGL. She was really nice, and we got along just fine. Nothing really hit me hard until it came to the one on one sessions. From that moment, I would of never thought I could of broken down and cried so much in front of someone, and that I could spontaneously open up to her. Back then, I was a really insecure person. God just opened my eyes that Lisa was there for a reason. Thanks to her, I overcame that great obstacle that had been killing me for a long time, and realized that YFC is another backbone to my life if I ever need anyone. She was a great part of that experience, that weekend that forever changed my life and faith forever.

Today, Lisa is one of my close sisters from our cluster, and she always finds a way to make me laugh, from the funny fish faces she makes to her sarcasm, I just really wanna thank God for putting her in my life. I believe her bubbly personality can just light up a whole room, and she's one of the greatest sisters I've ever met.

Thank you.

200th

This is my 200th post, I spent all day trying to think what I'd do for my 200th blog post, but I'd totally rather just blog this.

Seeing you happy and smile, just rubs off so much on me. When you're happy, it warms my heart so much, and I can't help but smile and be happy also. But seeing you sad like this, broken up and torn into so many pieces where you feel like you don't know what to do now, it breaks my heart. You mean so much to me, and seeing you so hurt, cuts me pretty bad too. You crying? It can make me cry also, I just feel your pain. I'd drop anything in the world to just make you happy and see you smile again. I wanna be the person who will pick you up when you're down, lead you through the tunnel of darkness, because I have faith that you will get through whatever comes your way. You've gone through so much and have accomplished many victorious things, you can't be stopped now. Tunnels don't go on forever, there is always light at the end, and that light is your victory. When you reach that light, you've overcome what seemed like the moment of great darkness where all faith and hope seemed to have been lost forever. God will NEVER put you anything you can't handle and overcome. He puts us through this obstacles to test our breaking points and to see how far we will go to get through it. He will put us through the craziest crap you can ever imagine, but once it is overcome, imagine the feeling. You've gone through the greatest endeavor, and conquered it. You're on top of the mountain. The enemy has been defeated. Whenever you're sad, just know I'm ALWAYS here for you. I want to take that pain away, because I want to live to see you smile. You mean that much to me. I love you, and every emotion you feel, whether it be the greatest joy to your lowest lows, just know that because our bond and connection between us and God is so tight, I feel it within me too...

You already know how much you mean to me, every emotion is in that card. So if ever in doubt, read it. That was all from my heart, no BS whatsoever. You've inspired me in so many great ways, I can't even explain it. It's crazy. You alone are one of the greatest blessings in my life. I really couldn't ask for anything more.

Be alright.

First day my parents were gone, didn't really feel different at all. Well, this time my parents still feel present because my sisters are practically 2 more moms for me.. ahah.

It was so cold today! Schedule pick-up, my schedule is still the same. All the tables, but one, under the overhang we hang out at got stolen so I was standing most of the time. School started at 8:16am today, and me and Roxanne went to first period to find new people in our class and new seats. We used to sit in the back, and everyone got to pick seats, and we found ourselves sitting in the front because we were one of the last people to come to class -_- Played a game, we had to find people with the same answer. Jerremy and I tried cheating, but our teacher came to check our answers, and he just hella ran away and left me there haha.

In Spanish, I got my report card for the class. I got a 99% on the final! I don't know how, because I know there were 2 5-question parts I hella guessed on because I didn't know anything so I was hella happy. My grade went up to a 85% B!!! I am so happy, it used to be a 75% which was a C. Woohooo!! :DD

Other classes, were just like a refreshers for those new to the class and yeah. At lunch, I didn't feel good and it was so chilly and cold!! =( Leadership, we had to fill out a leader thingy then we reviewed back on Sadies and talked about what we need to do. Sub for English, etcetc.

Got home, and my sister and I watched Babel. Or is it spelled Bable? But I don't know, it was a good movie. (= After, I took a nap that didn't last long.

To be honest, it's just so hard to talk to people about stuff you haven't experienced, cause all you can say is stuff like "oh cool" =X hahaa, it's whateverr



Decided to randomly text a friend the other night, and I looked at the time. I'm telling you, I see that number a lot. Haha. No lie! No coincidence either?



"We're going down, and you know that we're doomed
My dear.. we're slow dancing in a burnin' room.."

Idk, we'll see.

Hello and Goodbye.

Interesting weekend? Somewhat. All I did yesterday was clean my room, but after the hours I worked on it, I asked my mom if my room looked somewhat cleaner and she said no. Whatever, I think it looks way better than it did before. I practically talked to no one yesterday =( So boreddd..

Today, woke up early to go to Walmart and grocery shopping with my mom. Well actually first, we went to the mall to do some errands and we ate Jollibee for brunch. Then to Walmart to pick up some stuff she needed for her luggage. Looking at the Valentines stuff... makes me kinda sad. In these 15 years of existance, I've never really had a Valentine. Well, I've had some of my friends that are girls be my valentine, but in a just joking kind of way. I'm pretty sure all of my friends have been asked to be someone's valentine sometime in their life, except me. Gah, one day.

Anyways, after all that shopping and stuff, went home as my parents packed up. They're leaving tonight for the Phillippines, and I must say I'm happy to have hella freedom again. Downside? I'll have to bus home some days and I know I'm gonna miss them at some points. Guess I won't be eating rice in a while -_- Strictly fast food and shizz. After chillin in my room and being bored, I receive a phone call from Matt and everyone else in the car. Told me they were coming home from San Diego now. It made me so happy to hear their voices =) 2-3 days without their voice seemed like almost an eternity to me, I hella miss them! But they're coming home right now, I'm praying they have a safe trip.

"You can be the dumpling, and I'll be the chicken. Chicken and dumplings baby!" haha

I was bored this weekend, and decided to play around with make-up. I tried on eyeliner, which I said I hate, but because looking at pictures, my eyes look so blank, vague, and boring so I wanted to spice things up. I think I don't look that bad in it though, so who knows? Maybe I'll go to school in it after telling everyone I despise eyeliner... ahah

Sadie Hawkins 2009

Just got home from Sadies, I'm so dead, I'm going to knock out after I blog.

Last final was today. Started off with Leadership, we had to work on stuff for Sadies. I helped make the big balloon arch for the dance, but we were really behind. That's all I did for 2 hours straight, and we didn't finish. Last final was an in-class essay for English. Pretty easy, wanted to sleep after. Afterschool, helped set up for the dance in the gym. Then, went to Great Mall with Rio and Michelle to eat some thai food and some really old guy hit me on me, it was gross and scary. Got dropped off at home, thanks Rio!

Tammy came over because we were "dates" and yeahh, we chilled, laughed, and got ready. She has this miracle curler, IT'S REALLY SMALL. Probably as small as a marker, I hecka doubted it in but it was really good. Thanks for curling my hair Tammy =) Changed outfits like twice, headed to the dance.

Cafeteria for pictures, we couldn't think of a pose but just ended up doing whatever. Chilled for a bit, coat check, then went inside for the dance! As always, we just stood there then everyone started dancing. Lots of people! Lots of people freaking too in fact, the chaperones/advisors were barely busting on people in the beginning. However, they started to do so at the end, Russell & Victoria got their wristbands cut off by Mr. McMurray, hahahahahaha. I WARNED THEM!! I saw him watching them. Everyone was with their dates the whole dance =( It made me sad and wish I had brought a date. I still had hella fun though. I really let loose more, if you know what I meann hahaa, I think it wasn't just me you know.

my only memorable picture from the dance... HAHA

Sadies 2009 > Sadies 2008 > Homecoming 2008 > Homecoming 2007

I was hella singing and dancing around by myself during the slowdances pretending someone was there, but I was just dancing with air haha. Nothing else to do!

Coming to the dance with curled hair and coming out with it straightened out with just sticky hairspray left on it... you know you had fun. HAHA



One thing was on my mind throughout the whole dance, and that was you....

Rainy Friday.

I'm awake pretty early today because I had to finish up taking notes for my English final today, last one! Then Finals are over! And I'm hella happy right now because I just checked my grade online and I have a B- in Spanish! YEAHHHHH, I need to get out of that C -_- Hopefuly the final boosts it more up to a B, but I don't know it was a mistake because it says I got a 90/80 on my last homework calendar, and she hasn't said anything about that being a mistake. Let's hope not :D I'm pretty confident that I'm going to get a B in Spanish, and I hope my final today in English boosts my 89% back up to an A. I think my grades are going to be... A, B, B, B, B, A, A.. I hope. Next semester, I'm hoping to get more As.

Sadies is tonight! I'm going with Tammy since we didn't get dates. It's gonna be crackinnn, 530 people going, sold out, oh shizz.

I'm praying that 5 of my brothers and sisters have a safe trip to San Diego as they go out to serve God at a CFC-Youth Camp. Have fun Gian, James, Matt, Mikha, and Winton! A few of my closest friends, damn, I think I might be pretty bored this weekend since I talk to them a lot and they're gonna be gone. I know you guys will fufill your duties to your potential, God's got you! Have fun serving for the first time Matt, don't be nervous haha. You too Winteezyy!

Ugh, I'm hungry but all I can really eat for breakfast is cereal, but there's no more milk ><

I still need to update with a blessing, maybe afterschool.

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her." Amennn =)

Weak

<--- I was listening to music on my phone after the Chemistry final, which was really easy in my opinion, and I go all the way down and see the number 143. If there's a number I've seen the most in my life, it's gotta be 143. Before I took a nap, I looked at the clock and it was 1:43. Legit.

Chemistry final was easy, but the World History test was a booo. I think I got maybe a C on that, quotes are hecka confusing.

Today I felt soo blaghh because I'm sick. I wanted to sleep after my history final, but as I put my head down, I couldn't breathe because of my congested nose >< Where would I be without you? I honestly could of fallen into so many temptations if it wasn't for him. And as I get weak and put down by thinking of the negative, the many blessings I have in my life flash through my mind. Praise you God for those blessings, they give me a reason to want to live. As you try to break me down, I always remember you're just pushing me to my limits, and in the end, I'll get stronger. It's like climbing the highest mountain ever, it becomes so hard and becomes something I just wanna quit and step down. But once you overcome it and get to the top, it will feel unexplainably great.

And if life gets too hard, you're not just gonna go and quit and kill yourself are you? No, that's dumb. you just gotta keep moving.

We fall down, we rise up, we stand first in you oh Lord.

Maybe each blog I'm going to talk about a blessing sent down in a form of a person. Yeah, I wanna do that. =)

I'll update with that later.

Umm

Day 1 of finals today, Algebra II and Spanish. Algebra II was easier than I expected, probably because it was multiple choice so that you can just plug in answers and you wouldn't really have to solve it yourself. Spanish II was easy too, except the listening part. We got little chances to hear it, and the people talked too fast for me to process the information and such -_- I'd say I got an A on the Algebra II final and maybe a A- or B on the Spanish one.

Feeling more sick today, ughhhh, my throat like burns and my nose is just congested. No more sneezing though. Ignore me if I was a bitch to you today or seemed grumpy, the last thing I need when my throat is pissing the shizz out of me is more disturbances =/

Honestly, today's plan felt like a fail. Me and Catap are feeling the same about the situation. I think I expected a different turn out, but I guessss. We expected more excitement, but it was ehh. =P Whatevs, at least we got to see our friends!

Chemistry and World History finals tomorow, tough day. Heard Chemistry was easy though, and World History was too, but with a cheat sheet. Ironically, my teacher is the one who made the final but she's not letting us use a cheat sheet. -___-

Thank you.

What a weekend that was, it was an obstacle that God put us through, and we reached our breaking points, but we got through it. Everything that was needed to be said, has been said, and I feel like all the troubles have been cleansed out and it feels so renewed. This friendship... it's way stronger than it was 2 days ago, I could have never imagined this could of happened, but it was a test, and we passed with flying colors, and now here I am, as happy as I could be. Everything seems right, and I couldn't help but smile today. Sometimes, I even teared up because that's how happy I am to have you in my life, and as much as it is said, you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. Thank you for changing my life so much, I can't imagine it without you.

Anyways, I woke up and for once I wasn't all that tired but then James called me right when I woke up ahah and I forgot what we talked about o_O Last day of 0 period for the first semester! I kinda don't wanna take it second semester, but might as well get it over with. Last day of Rugball (for now), I think I just might miss it, but I just hate how it's hella cold and my hands get numb. Played championships game, my team got 3rd place. I think this was my favorite team, pretty funny people and good teamwork, scored 2-3 run-ins today ^_^ I really like the exhiliration of passing people as they try to tagging you and pwning them by scoring. All day today was basically watching the Inaugeration or however you spell it or reviewing for Finals, so kinda chill.

Watching the Inauguration was pretty interesting to me, because we're watching history. Seemed like something you'd see in a movie, but I really believe in Obama, I really hope he says he'll turn this country around from where Bush has screwed us over.

Leadership, had to trace and cut out hella lightning bolts and I got a headache because it was just too much haha. Afterschool, just talked to Catap. Found out something, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!? -____- WOW.

So far, I've studied for Spanish finals. I have Algebra II & Spanish tomorrow, I guess it's my alright finals. Thursday is my harsh day. I've been working on my World History study guide, but I still need to finish. Damn, I gotta study like 100+ terms that have like 5 notes for each. My brain just might explode :D But I have a B+ in World History, so if I pass, I'll get an A. YAY! I cannot screw up on my Spanish II finals or I'm going to get a D, maybe I think. Or a C-, but I'm really trying to study hard.

I kept sneezing and coughing today, and my nose got all runny. I think I'm coming down with a cold, my throat hurts too. RAWRRRR, why during finals?!

Turns out BOTH of my parents might be going to the Phillippines next week so my dad can go to my cousin's funeral and my mom can visit her mom. Freedom again, yes, but getting home will be an issue =P guess I'll be taking the bus, oh joy.

I like Jennifer Chung's covers!

gg.

You've messed up big time. I hope you know that.

But then again, at this game of making me feel like a worthless piece of shit, you win.. I'm not dumb OR blind, I know what's going on.


I guess tonight's the night I'm finally deciding to let go. I'm tired of this.
It's all gone now.

I found myself crying myself to sleep over this. You disappointed me so badly. Waited for NOTHING but a big slap in the face of being forgotten.

Where would I be without you?

Yesterday was Eureka. It was pretty good. Rides got switched around and I ended up being the only girl in James' car with Matt, Andrew, and Catap. We played the ABC Sign game and talked about life. The church there was pretty nice! Went to mass, then after Eureka. Hugs to people from other clusters of course! We started out with worship which was kinda awkward because they put the projector screens and bad places because no one was able to see. Had to present the pictures we didn't take (whoops) in front of everyone with Matt and James. Wasn't as nervewracking as I thought. They talked to us about the parts of mass, then broke up with brother and sisterhoods. For sisterhood, we had to make a poster of who we are today and we'd receive it in the mail next year or at the next Eureka to see how we changed and such. Then they gave us candy to give to the brothers. Hugs all around after they came back! Gave my kiss to Matt. Then they revealed people stepping down and who was stepping up to take their place, and then ending worship! Went home, kinda tired. Got back to the hall back at 1am ish then went home. 2006 Eureka hosted by Southcoast still has to be my favorite though, can't wait until it hopefully most likely comes back to us in 2011!

Today, gonna chill with Matt and Catap later? Idk, we'll see.





Prove me wrong, step it up, you're somewhat starting to fade..

This is us.

Good day, other than the fact than the fact I think I did really bad on my Chemistry test. I thought I knew how to do everything, but the questions were asked in such complicated ways. Leadership was fun for once! We played games hahaha.

Afterschool, went home for a bit then got ready. Mikha picked me up and then we went to get Chelsea, Winton, and Daniel. We raced the sunset to go to "the top of the world" in Fremont for a photoshoot by Ms. Chelsea Ocampo. We took pictures in that niceeee view while the sun was setting, and it was really nice. Can't wait to see themm pictures though! Had some good as laughs with the group of my favorite juniors missing Rio. After, we headed to Jamba Juice where a guy working alone had hella attitude (can't blame him though right) and then Q-Cup, then to YFC.

YFC was great. It was lead by Big Brother, Martin, and Robbie. It was a real... eye opener. I've realized I'm back to falling into gossipping, and being disappointed of others. Not to mention I tend to have really really low self-confidence in myself. I remember for a long period of time after I came back from Conference, I gave up talking smack and everything and life was just great, it felt like I had weight off my chest. Now, I wanna do the same again because that's who I want to be and I don't want to hurt others ya knoww?

So, starting today, no more talking about others or gossipping, if you try to do so with me, I will tell you I'm not down to do that shady business anymore. I also need to stop getting disappointed by peoples' wrongdoings, it's their problem/loss anyways, and it's not really my deal.

During prayer/reflection, I hella prayed about something that has been running through my mind 24/7. I just asked Him to guide me through this, because this is something I really want, but sometimes, I'm just so confused. I really prayed that it could happen, but only if He believes this should happen or if its in His plan. God is the foundation. Of course, I also prayed for my family and their struggles, and strength to get through Finals. =|

Worship was gooood, went to my sister and I just couldn't help but feel my mom's pain. So much went through my mind during those seconds, but I lift it all up to God, He'll fix things, I just know it.

But yeah, 2008 had some struggles, but I'm starting off the year by taking everything that has bothered me off my plate and starting with a clean slate with nothing on it but God. What a great way to start off the year with YFC. =)

Tomorrow, is Eureka. But, I need to wake up early to laundry, and work on stuff for Finals. =/ I'm going to really study hard for finals, I promise. I need some good grades.

Dear God, as I look back onto the year of 2008, you placed many fortunate events in my life with a struggle now and then, but I see every second I am breathing as a blessing. You break me to make me, and you send down countless blessings, big and small, that I just can't help but smile and be thankful. You've placed the greatest friends I could ask for in my life, not to mention this great family that has stuck with me through my stubbornness for my 15 years of existance. I just pray you continue to get me through this game you call life, and the strength, courage, and wisdom to tackle on whatever obstacle and greatness you decide to throw at me.

Goals for 3 day weekend;
-EUREKA!
-Go up to Chapter 5 or 6 for World History Study Guide
-Study Ch. 1-3 in Algebra 2
-Study Ch. 1 + 2 in Spanish 2
-Finish majority of Chemistry packet

Open your eyes.

Damn, I'm gonna be up late =X I got home at 9pm today and decided to take a nap, and I accidently fell asleep until like 12am and I need to do my chemistry packet and study =/

School = boring. I think I felt more irritated today, I don't know why. But afterschool, my sister let me drive for the first time :D I got to drive around my neighborhood, and surprisingly I wasn't all that nervous. She said I did good except the first time I went over a bump I didn't know what to do so I braked while going over it and idk, the car made some noise hahaha.

After, went to (not so) Great Mall with my mom and sister. FIRST TIME SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES IN HELLA LONG. I seriously haven't bought clothes for months because my relatives were gone and my mom wouldn't be there to buy my clothes. But today I kinda splurged =X But yay, new clothes :D



Open your eyes please, you're blinded by "it". Things between us get better each day, but if only you'd stop paying attention to that and realize the potential, things would be great..

Close enough to touch, but still so far away.

Today went by fast, Wednesdays ftw. Highlights? Lab in Chemistry that involved burning stuff and setting things on fire, pretty interesting haha. Hella almost walked into a trash can and a pole on the way to 4th because I was texting -___- omg, haha. Got to sleep in World History without Bielski waking me up and asking if I was on the subject. Went to Costco with my mom and sister afterschool, bought a bunch of fruits. Yayyyy, I love fruits!

Got home and went straight to a nap from 5-8:30pm. It felt really good, it felt like I was sleeping for 5 hours. So, I felt refreshed and in a good mood.

I feel burdened right now, watching my mom go through so much. As she talks to me about her problems, I look into her eyes and I can just see all the problems she's going through and the pain it brings her in those pupils. She's tired. I feel so bad, I wish I could only do so much but I don't know. If only I could take her pain away. =(




Dang, who would of knew that it was going to be you who could make me feel this way? This feeling of happiness and joy and me wanting to be no where else when we talk.. it just brings me this rush of excitement. I just can't brush the smile off when in your presence.

Sometimes I stop to close my eyes,
You're exactly what I need..

"If it's in His will, let it be done."

Haha, that quote was from Mikha's status on AIM. I really liked it.

Anyhow, today was interesting. Cold in 0 period again, and I'm actually starting to play hella hard. I love scoring, and feeling like I'm just flying by people as I dodge their tags to score. :D 2nd period, legitsauce game. My team kept gambling and the score ended up being 49-0, but we eventually caught up and barely beat them in points by the time the period ended. FREE CANICA! =)

Afterschool, chilled for a bit then went to Tapioca with Michelle Nguyen. We caught up with each other over some Thai and Milk Tea with Calamari and Chicken, haha. Walked back to school for Boys' Basketball game, where I had to work student store. JV game was honestly boring. Varsity game was a tad bit more interesting, where the highlight was when our basketball captain went for a halfcourt buzzer shot at the end of the first half and made it. It was legit, something you don't get to see often. Both games, MHS fell short, but it was interesting watching them put up a fight.

Gosh, what's wrong with the world now? This next part of my blog may sound a bit... harsh, but I'm tired of seeing all the LUST you guys people think is love. Why do I believe most of the people I know nowadays are lusting rather than being in true love? Because, many of our generation is giving into temptation and giving into to premarital sex. Honestly now, is it really worth it giving yourself up at such a young age? You put yourself at so much risk, and you might not even be marrying this person that you think you're oh so much in love with. It disappoints me more and more to find out all these dirty secrets about the people.

At Disco Camp, I learned about how sex is kinda like duct tape being stuck on your arm. The first time you do it, it's stuck onto your arm and it'll hurt. But, as each time you do it represents the tape being ripped off and stuck back on your arm, the tape loses its stickiness. The stickiness represents the love and specialness you put into it as you fall into temptation. Soon enough, you'll lose all that stickiness. You're going to lose it to someone you might not even marry, so is it worth it? You've got to save it for the person you're going to marry, because when you marry someone, you know for sure you're in love. God will put you through the tests, and when you guys give yourselves up together for the first time, it'll even be more special. According to the people who gave the talks, it'll make you fall more deeply in love. But if you commit premarital sex, will you be able to share that experience with your spouse?

Well, I just want all of you with a significant other or interest in someone right now to ask yourself... what do you love about the other person so much? Are you more attracted to them because of their stunning looks and body, or for their personality? Or is it because of their social status, or the true person they are in the inside? Think deep inside, love > lust

Well, my parents finally came back today from Cache Creek. They're in an argument, and it makes me really sad to see my mom hurting from all the BS my dad gives her. Honestly, I get fed up with my dad also. I'd rather not badmouth him and go on, but I really wish I could help my mom out.. =/

So, what's on the sweeter side? I have about $400 saved up for summer in which 400 bucks will go towards a Road Trip to LA and I must save about $300 for Conference in Chicago. I need 300 more bucks by July. 50 bucks a month, how will I do it? I don't know, but let's hope I can.

It's all for the better

Today was so........ content. I was pretty happy for the most part, but it was kinda killed with some unfortunate events -_-

It was pretty warm today for some reason! I sweat for the first time in '09, lmao as silly as that oh so sounds. I played against Kristina for the first time, it was kinda weird, because we've never been on different teams for Rugball for this whole year =P We smashed on their team thoo. :D

So in Leadership today, I was trying to do my english homework that was due the next period until Harris announces who's presenting for the Leadership debate speeches and she says my name. Of course, my reaction is WTF? I'm presenting tomorrow. Cause I thought I was presenting tomorrow. And she tells me I'm presenting today, it even says on the paper. I was not prepared, whatsoever. I knew what to say kinda, but I didn't plan how I was going to say and it wasn't put together. So fck, I had to put it together in like 10 minutes and wing it. I was hella nervous, and when I got up there, my mouth was spitting out a bunch of BS trying to pass the time. They were supposed to raise a fly swatter when I reached 1:45 to show I should start to conclude, but they NEVER did so when I ran out of things to say, I just stood there saying uhhh and just decided to end it there. And when I finished, she tells me my time was 2:04. wtff, never raised that stupid swatter! I think I did horrible, and it bothered me because I really could of done so much better than that =X ughhhh. and I don't even know if I won, because she said the votes were 10 to 9. She didn't say who had how many. I forgot to vote for myself, lol. -_-

And now I'm here, kinda disappointed that I'm not joining track this year again. My parents went to Cache Creek yesterday and my mom won the jackpot, and I guess they were too tired so they just rented a room and stayed there and are coming back tonight. And the parent meeting is tonight and no parents are present to go. But honestly, I guess it's the best that I don't join. I'm going to be stressed as fck already with Trojan Olympics and Spring Dance that is going to be around that time. Without those right now, I'm pretty exhausted and I feel like my grades have more potential. Lame though, because I don't see a point in joining track anymore.. I'm going to forget all the skill and experience and it's not gonna be the same. I guess you gotta know your priorities in life.



"Seems I could get along just fine,
so why don't we just take our time?
'Cause we have that and more
and we don't know what God has in store"

Waiting on itt, it's constantly on my mind now. But youknoww, can't help but smile =)

Epiphany?

The other day my friend explained something to me and introduced the word epiphany to me and defined it to me. For those of you who don't know what it means, here's the meaning I'm referring to, thank you to dictionary.com haha

A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.

Yes, an epiphany is what we, or maybe you, need. I feel like I've hit my own epiphany. It kinda hit me few weeks back, but I didn't think so much about it until now. Crazy, because I've been thinking about this the whole weekend and Father Romy mentioned the word during Homily. And I don't know, I feel like God's trying to tell me something, but like I keep saying, we'll see.

I went to Youth Mass today at SJB. Projectionist, so if you saw any mess up in the lyrics, I am responsible =X Haha, it was only minor though. Choir, damn hella good. Stacy, Charmaine, Grace, and Jonah were all darn good dope diggityyyy (wtf did I just say?! haha) singers. It hecka gave me chills. After mass, hecka YFC heads stayed behind, we could of just had a meeting right there.

I wanted to go out after mass, but didn't know what to do! Everyone was busy in their own cliques or had to go elsewhere, but made spontaneous last minute plans with Mikha just as I almost was going to go home. We hit up In n Out which we both haven't had in awhile, and after ordering, we see Jeffrey, Bobbie, and Jerremy walk in so we eat with them.

After, me and Mikha have no idea where to go but settle to going back to my house to play Rockband. It was having technical issues -_- and we got bored after awhile, but we had a good talk about life and caught up with each other so it was great. We decided to go to Target where I bought this conditioner I've been using for my hair to keep it soft and helps TRY to prevent my freakin hair getting unstraightened from 0 period and it was sale :D Also bought some make-up I've been wanting to try out for awhile, ahah. Mikha dropped me home and then I took a nap, and I just finished a buttload of homework.

Sigh, here comes another tiring week of school =|

Hmm

*1 Corinthians 13: 4-7, one of my alltime favorite bible verses.

Slept on it last night, and I'm opening my eyes to more and more. Today was such a..... unproductive day. I was really exhausted for some reason so I kept taking naps, which resulted me in getting more and more sleepier. I guess I'm just catching up sleep I lost this week.

Let's see what I did, worked on stuff for what I think is for Eureka (which is next week, gogogoo!), and Spanish Review for chapter 2. I just started doing my research on my Leadership debate, ahh so lazy though.

So many thoughts have been running through my head, I've been thinking about it all day, sleeeping and napping on it. Sometimes, I feel like... spitting it out. Err, well that's not a nice sounding term or whatever. I'm just waiting for the time. Idk if you'll ever read this, I don't know if you have anything to say also.. but whenever you feel like you just wanna say whatever it is, tell me because I'm just waiting for that moment where we're both ready to just talk it out. =X

*Just listen..



PS: I get so darn irritated when everyone here fckin accuses me of shizz I didn't do, wtf. Screw that, I'm not even guilty for most of the stuff I'm accused of. Damn.

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I've got so much so much more to say.

www.crisannlizardo.blogspot.com

Decided to limit to 3-4 private readers. Interested to read? Comment this blog with your email. But that doesn't mean you're a guaranteed reader, haha.

Really?

YAYY first week after break is done. Felt so long, maybe due to lack of sleep. GONNA SLEEP IN TODAYY =) School was okay, it was windy as heck and it was pissing mee off. Afterschool was fun, we helped Ashley N. ask someone to sadies & took pictures and stuff. Matt and Troy came to visit! 2nd time I hung out with Troy in person, I think.

Later on, James picked us up and we went to the new library. Pretty nice! Went to Great Mall after and walked around and we chilled at Jollibee hahah. Hey Troy, you're pretty dope, you're a chill cat. Talked about what was supposed to be an embarrassing blog? Umm, discussed it later on.

After, we left Troy (Haha sorry) and we went to Banana Leaf to buy Pad Thai. The other 2 went to Verizon and I was just sitting outside of Banana Leaf in case our food finished, and this white guy was like "what a great friday night right?" and i was like "uhhh mhmm." I didn't know what to say, then I went inside because I was scared.

We ate at St. Johns, near the Confirmation Classroom then went to YFC? Learned about the parts of mass and the deeper meaning of the stuff in it. After, worship, haha. Had talks with a few people after.



Wow, really? =X I really never expected this... this is just a big shock to me, and I never knew this would hit me today. Idk, I'm still kinda confused. Time will do for now, but I have faith, I'll admit that. I guess you can say "Realize" by Colbie Caillat can perfectly sum up my thoughts, really.

"But I can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple.."

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.

I think today I woke up on a sour note. I woke up feeling like crap, emotionally and physically. Emotionally I'm not sure why, but physically because I got so little sleep and it kinda feels like I just got maybe 30 minutes of sleep when in reality I got more. I need more sleep, and I need to stop complaining about it cause it is my fault haha.

Today at school was eh, I was kinda =/ 0 period, I was about to score but I just saw Kristina standing so I attempt to pass it to her but it flies just by her because she didn't know I was going to. If I just ran and kept going, I would of scored. Fail. -_- And my PE teacher was playing on the other team and she was like why'd you do that!! Haha, woo. -_- Finally didn't almost fall asleep in chemistry, and presented in World History. Our teacher and this girl right in front of us kept interupting us, but oh well, adds on to the 5 minutes we were supposed to take. Leadership were presentations, they were pretty good! I'm hella nervous for mine now. English we read stories about marriage, and I almost fell asleep -___- Funny cause I was just holding my stories and I was about to fall asleep so I just dropped them on the ground, whoops.

Afterschool, went to Nob Hill & Juice City with Vivian and Kevin. Later on, Kevin left so it was just me and Vivian. We had a girl talk about lots of stuff. Girl talks and Arizonas. Haha, I love it. I always seem to have an Arizona when we have girl talks afterschool. Red Apple Green Tea, yumm. Michelle came on later on and joined the talk, then I had to goo.

This buzz about Sadies drives me more insane everyday -__- I really don't know who to ask. I think I'm just gonna go alone or with a friend, HI VIVIAN OR TAMMY! hahaa

ASDJAKJDHAKJSDHJAKDHKJAHDAKJ.
You, are driving me crazy. I can honestly say I've had enough of it, =X telling me all this stuff and me having to act like I care when I really just... don't. Sorry. It kinda hurts too. I feel like... you don't see anything from me. Always everyone around me. Am I secondary friend to you?! You make me feel so damn invisible and worthless. I try so hard, but in the end, it just makes me feel like nothing. Thanks, thanks so much. Such a bitter feeling..

I love my BFF.

Until we meet again.

Relatives from the Phillippines, Canada, and Hawaii left today to go to Hawaii, and then they're gonna go back to where they came from in like a month, but it's the last time I'm gonna see them until who knows. I was kinda sad, don't know why, but also because my parents are gonna start caring about me again so more strictness haha. It was cool having some freedom though, and it was nice seeing them! I never met them before, and I don't know any of my other relatives that don't live here in the bay area.

0 period was hella boring today. Kristina was late so I had no one to talk to, and everyone was like seriously straight up walking during rugball. Classes, ordinary, same old same old. Throughout school, everyone just kept talking and talking about Sadies and damnit I still don't know who to ask lol, whatever. I'm gonna buy a ticket anyways tomorrow cause I just wanna dance you knowwww. =P

Pretty tired right now, went to sleep at 2am last night =X I was helping some friends out with problems and having deep convos about life and other stuff. It was an eye-opener about some things.

Ahh, I also need to work on my debate speech for Leadership. Gotta discuss why praying in school should be okay. I have some reasoning already, but I kinda need more. Any suggestions?

*Goodbye Princess the dog. I think they took the dog with them to Hawaii haha
"I said goodbye to princess so I hope they do take her -_-"

Back to school.

=( The day I dreaded came today -- going back to school from break. I woke up at 5:45 instead of 5am just because I was so darn tired, but I still got ready on time. Had to be more quiet when I left the house since relatives are still sleeping in the living room.

0 period wasn't as cold as I thought, and luckily I found my PE shorts! I opened my locker and I saw them hanging in there, haha. I felt so lazy and fat during Rugball, and I felt physically awake but my inner body or soul or whatever felt exhausted, it was weird. I actually learned in 1st and 2nd period, and we went over the quizzes in Chemistry. I'm surprised I got a C on that, I thought I would of gotten a D or an F. Phew =X Gotta do better though. World History, took notes on hecka stuff, and then Leadership worked on advertising Sadies and English, we had to draw our culture's marriage customs. I drew like a church, barong, lechon, and a priest. I don't know anything about my culture =/ I haven't been to a family wedding!

Afterschool, had another girl talk, or well it started off as a 1 on 1 with Vivian but then others joined along but that was okay, I like it (= hahah. We were mostly talking about Sadies.

The sale is on Wednesday and I still don't know who to ask, like seriously. People are throwing names at me, but kinda awkward turtle ya dig? Fckkkkkk, this is kinda stressing me out and making me sad because everyone has a date in mind or whatevs. I might just go with Vivian since she is going through the same deal as me haha.

And as I was talking to Vivian about her boy, I was hella smiling for her! I was so happy, because I don't recall the last time she hecka liked a guy who didn't piss the shizz out of her and that liked her back and treated her hecka nice. Idk, seeing my bff hella happy, makes me happy =) And damn, as I look at a girl's group picture from this year, I realized that 7/12 of the girls in the picture either have a boyfriend or are talking to someone. Dizzammm, everyone seems to be finding love nowadays, or maybe it's lust, but I hope it's love. So far, I have no problems with any of the guys they're with or talking to, so it's all good. Just to go back to middle school and remember only 2-3 of us had boyfriends, hahaha deeeeeeng. One day Crisann, one day! Hahah =P

It's at the tip of my tongue...

Winter Break 2008 ftw.

Ahh, before I go to sleep, decided to blog about my Winter Break. I gotta say, this break has been the greatest for me full of new opportunities, experiences, and stronger friendships.

-The day we got out of break, me, Gian, James, and Jennifer ate "spicy fruity pebble soup" (it was vietnamese, idk how to spell it haha) and just chilled at hella diff. places

-My break kicked off with the Secret Santa party, where the pamilia was pretty much reunited, and restrengthened. Props to Kevin for hosting the party.

-Hanging out with my sister Megan and James at Pho Mai. Hoodrats. "Is it raining in here?!"

-Giving Tree with CFC-Youth Southcoast (some of em). Sorting plastic bags while singing worship songs, then getting the fun ruined by a lady with antlers haha.

-Getting a haircut, losing my long hair, having thin hair. Hanging out with cousins at my house, buying caramel apples, then eyebrows got threaded for the first time. Wasn't as painful as I expected. My sisters, cousins, and I had my house to ourselves so they all slept over. Brought back old times. =)

-Christmas Eve and Christmas family partys crackin with food and cousinly fun! Presents = $$$
Karaoke = LMFAO

-Japanese Grocery Store & Valley Fair with James, Matt, and Rio! Got to spend some time with Rio Bowls! Went back to my house, ate a pazookie, and watched The Ruins

-San Francisco with Gian, James, Matt, and Catap! Started at James' apartment and seeing Matt's gross feet, then spontaneously downtown to eat and just walk around. Bought breakfast keychain from Urban Outfitters, got a stupid egg but traded with Matt to get his cupcake haha

-Cooking BBQ at the Edi's house, playing Cranium, and then Wario Ware on the Wii with Gian, the Edis, Jennifer, James, Jeffrey, Matt, and Catap

-Hiking @ Mission Peak with Gian, James, Matt, and the Edis. It was all fun at first then it started getting HELLAAAA cold and foggy, it was such an endeavor but we made it!

-New Years Eve family party at my house, played Life, ate hellaaaaa. Countdown, someone was counting wrong haha.

-New Years family party at my house again! James and Matt showed up outta no where, then we played hella board games and Matt won all of them -_- Went to watch Benjamin Button with my cousins, Gian, Matt, James, Jeffrey and Bobbie. Good movie with funny commentary by Jeffrey haha.

-American Apparel + Ikea with cousins/sisters. Bought a new jacket :D Kristina's birthday dinner at Cheesecake! FUNNNN. Girl talk about boys. Santana Row! Feeling so broke at Urban Outfitters =/

-Theresa's Cotillion! Matching on purpose with Matt and kinda being stuck with him at all night because the cotillion was mostly family. Being mugged by a meanie. Food running out, phone being hogged by football fans. Dancing!

Damn, great break. I'm gonna miss it, but back to reality? Can't wait until ski break I guess, hahah. DARN YOU 0 PERIOD!!!

Me and Matt were bored today, so we decided to copy Catap ;D

Selfish.

Hmm, fun day! I got up at 11am to fold clothes I accidently left in the dryer yesterday, then I went back to sleep until 2pm. Did nothing really, then started getting ready for Theresa's cotillion (Yay for dressing up ^_^), and James + Matt picked me up at 5ish. Matt and I were matching purposely, white black and gray. James went paparazzi and took a picture of us before I even got in the car, haha

We went to Hilton in Newark near New Park. We went inside, but James left me and Matt and we weren't quite sure where to go, so we just sat in the lobby chillin for maybe 20 minutes. We went in, and it was just me and Matt sitting at a table with like 4 other people we didn't talk to. SOMEONE was hellaaaa hungry haha, and when we finally got to eat, there was no food left! But they put more out later so I got more haha. The cheesecake was pretty bomb though, but hella rich and thick. Pictures, entertainment, then dance! Haha, at first I didn't wanna get up because it was mostly like Theresa's family and that woulda been awkward but then I got up then we danced and it was pretty funnnn. Good laughs too! On the way home, we talked about our legit break and how we were sad it was ending. =( I wonder how many days I spent with Matt and James this break, probably more than majority of it haha, but it was well balanced with cousins/family also.



Ahh, last night to stay up! I don't wanna go back to school, well specifically I don't wanna return to 0 Period and World History =/

Love > Lust
We tend to not remember that nowadays.

1,000,000 Thoughts Crossing 1 Mind.

Woke up today to parents saying they're going to Las Vegas, AGAIN, for the 2nd time in 2 weeks. Wow. Oh well, more freedom again. Got ready, and went to Palo Alto to go to American Apparel with my cousins and my sisters. Bought a tannish jacket with Christmas money, then off to Ikea. We ended up buying nothing but frozen yogurt which was good, then this girl kept mugging all of me and my cousins. Got dropped off to Valley Fair for Kristina's birthday dinner, too lazy to get into details, but me, Michelle D., Mariel, and Ashley had a girltalk about guys. It's been awhile, but it was good. The dinner was fun and I am currently broke again. Thanks Andrew for helping me finish my food btw.

So many thoughts are going through my mind right now, I just feel like dumping it out all on this blog, but I might forget some stuff in between.

I'm tired of dealing with my dad when it comes to electronics. Really pathetic, I know. We have gotten over the dumbest arguments and shizz. The biggest argument we've had was just because I lost a friggin camera battery, and it resulted with my phone getting taken away and worse. He forces me to download stuff onto his USB drive while I'm doing my homework, and even when I tell him I'm busy, he makes me put his stupid electronics as priority when there's no rush over it. He asks me for help to do stuff he doesn't know how, and if I say out of all honesty I don't know how, he gets mad at me because he thinks I'm lying. BS. And now, I'm pretty fustrated because he took my camera battery charger with him to Vegas. I called him asking where was his since we have 2, and he said he took it. BS! I saw him go into my room and take mine, so now I'm sitting in my room with a dead camera that cannot be charged until they come back, and there's a cotillion tomorrow. ROAR. Sorry, sometimes I just really get fed of the stupid shizz my dad and I get into.

More venting, I hate how when you get angry at me, you pour EVERYTHING out upon me, making me feel like a piece of shit that has no worth here. I know you might be just saying it because you're angry, but I really know it's the truth. It's seriously what pushes me more and more away, cause it hurts so much. You don't know how much it burdens me everyday.

And you, my friend, you need to chill. Everytime you're around, you seem to be irritated by every single move I make. Can I not have some fun? Why so serious, sheesh.

1. I'm pretty disappointed in the choice you made, but I don't know. I guess karma bit you in the behind.
2. Dude, can I have some privacy? I'm not even that nosey with you.
3. Stay up! I'm here for you. Use them trying to bring you down as a way to strengthen yourself.
4. Haha, you always seem to talk on and on about yourself, you never even ask about me and how I am anymore.
5. I always thank God for placing you in my life.
6. Thanks for all the rides, great memories, and hellaaaa laughs.
7. I hella miss you.....
8. It seems like you act hella different towards me when we're around everyone else.
9. You're always watering those other "gardens" so damn much, you can't even take care of your own.
10. Haha, I still wonder.

I'm tired of feeling pretty... bitter, yeah, bittter, about you. Well, it's not really bitter. It's kinda sweet and sour, but I had all these twists and turns you're putting me through. There's always the good moments, but then comes the bad moments. I just wanna give up, but for now, I'm just gonna kick back and relax and place it into God's hands and see where His plans takes it. Tired of letting you bring me down.


MIGHT edit later. Private blog. Do you guys even know what it is? haha it's not on this blog.

Let's see how this goes.

Yesterday was another spontaneous adventure, this break has been so full of them, I love it =)

Sooo, I woke up at 12pm and then started getting ready for part 2 of the party-ish. Had hella stuff running through my mind at the same time, then while I'm getting ready, Gian yells "Crisann hurry up James and Matt are here" I was like o___0 Thanks for calling! But they did call but I didn't pick up because I was in the bathroom, so surprise surprise haha. We chilled for a bit at my house, and my mom was hella forcing them to eat, then we played Life. I hella lost because I missed a turn and was hecka behind, then I had friggin 4 kids so I had a full car haha. Matt got like 2 million dollars and won, crazy bum. James left, so it was just me, my cousin, Gian, and Matt. We were bored so we played Apples to Apples and then Uno. It was fun, but Matt won all the games!! Haha.

At 6ish, we went to the movies to watch Benjamin Button. My 2 other cousins, and Bobbie and Jeffrey joined along. I sat next to Jeffrey and Matt so that was an adventure, Jeffrey kept making stupid lame comments and sometimes nasty ones but it made the movie more interesting because it was making me laugh. AND THAT FREAK PUT GUM IN MY POPCORN and I felt some wet popcorn and I was like TOUCH IT! to Matt and then he just flicked it and it hit the person in front of him =XX hahaha. The movie was 3 hours long but it was pretty good! I recommend it... if you have patience!

Dang, break is ending soon! This has been my best break yet though, so much fun! Today, cousin time + Kristina's birthday dinner @ Cheesecake, tomorrow is cotillion and something, and Sunday, I don't know, homework catchup/get ready. I freakin' lost my PE shorts so I needa get some =/ I don't wanna go back to 0 period!

I feel like.... private blogging again. Haha.

Hello 2009!

Holy cow, it's already 2009! Another new year to tackle on new challenges, experiences, friends, grades, etc.

As I sit here blogging for the first time in 2009, I sit as a girl who has changed so much in such a little time. I used to be a girl stuck in her shell, and now I'm a girl who has gone past that, come out, and is ready to take on the world. I used to be a girl, who hated going to church, to now who is very much interested in going willing to learn about Him. My faith has grown so much. I used to be a girl, who got stabbed in the back by all her friends and resorted to just playing basketball with a bunch of random guys. Now, I'm a girl with so many great friends, I just feel so blessed and thinking about them makes me smile.

Who knows how much more I will change in this year?

Hello 2009. Who knows if you'll be the greatest or the pain in the ass, but I'm ready to take you on. Life's full of cherished memories and harsh trials and tribulations, but hey, that's what you call this game -- life.

Anyways, this new year started out good. Cousins were all over at my house and we were playing Life. Well, I was until my sister whined I was playing Blockles AND Life at the same time so I quit -_- Sorry, it took so long in between turns and I was getting bored haha. Lotsa food. I burnt my tongue though because my uncle made wonton soup and I ate it and I didn't know it was hella hot, but it was good. We started counting down at 11:57 and it went by quickly. Once it reached 12, my uncle banged pots and we were just like wooo, and then a few seconds later we were like, okay let's go eat. Then everyone ate. Mango cheesecakeee ^_^ and a pocket constantly vibrating cause of the mucho texts. My cousin started talking to Vivian on my screen name hahah, and then he started making fun of my little cousin. It was so fcking hilarious, I was about to seriously piss in my pants and I couldn't breathe and my abs were hurting so bad because I was laughing that hard. Well, if I told you what he said you'd probably wouldn't laugh because you gotta know my cousin and how he is haha. Yeeee. Part 2 of the party laterr

2009 Goals
-Stop procrasinating and being lazy
I say this every year, but I seriously needa stop this sheezy. It makes my grades go down and stuff haha.

-Pull through with track
I love track, but with my sleeping schedule and Trojan Olympics AND the Spring Dance, I'm not sure if I can pull through with track and keep grades up. But I wanna do my best =)

-1st place in Trojan Olympics? ;D
2nd place last year baby, 1st place this year?! Everyone is trying to bring us down, but whatever, they think they're intimidating us but its' whatever. We'll see what happens... ;)

-CFC-Y Conference 2009!!!! + Precon
Chicago!! Conference last year was legit, and I'm pretty sure that this year it'll be even moreeeeee! And we're about to hit up Precon this year right? woohooo!! Gotta save up money though, haha

-Learn some songs on the guitar
I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar, but I really wanna learn and remember how to play some songs haha, even if they hurt my fingers like a mothaa

-Learn and remember beats on the drums
Drums are fun! I always learn beats but I never remember them

-Keep all my friendships, only can make em stronger!
Gotta keep myself out of drama, that's what breaks down friendships. Strengthen my friendships, be sure to have more trust, and get closer to people =)

-BE HUMBLE!!
Don't get annoyed of people or judge 'em, haha.

-Take more interesting pictures, not just of people

-Be happierrrr!!

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*Private blog,