Rambalaya #2

1. I got too comfortable in high school. College homework is a B*TCH right now. Still adjusting. I question how I got into this school. The average acceptance GPA was 3.8 and I only had a 3.5. I feel so inferior in my classes.
2. I miss home food. I miss Wingstop. I miss sushi. I miss taking showers without having to wear damn flipflops. I miss sleeping on a bed that is properly leveled. I miss home more than I think I would.
3. I can't help but to play with my lip piercing, even tho I'm not supposed to.
4. I'm starting to go back to my sleep deprived stage, aka zombie. My next door neighbors said they either see me hella energetic, or hella dead. True story bro.
5. Yay for college field trips! Going to the Academy of Arts and Sciences tomorrow during Bio Lecture/Lab. Too bad I don't really have friends in that class.
6. Slowly getting used to the weather here. Except it's going to get more cold.
7. Yup, I think so. hahaha =P
8. I miss the class officers and advisors hella much. I'm so used to seeing them everyday at school, since that's how it was for the past 4 years. Now it's nada. =(
9. Vulnerable stage. Proceed with caution. Extreme caution. Awwwshii...
10. I think too much.
11. Goodbye August, hello September.

Blinded

"When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us."

-Helen Keller

Ironic that Helen Keller said such a thing, huh? haha just kidding. Relevant quote to my life. I need to fix this mindset.

415 to 408

One class today, ended at 10:20am. Fat nap. Muni/Bart back home with Russell and his 2 friends. Surprised mom. Falafels. LIP PIERCING. Moochelle's. Safeway. Q-Cup.

A nice visit indeed, it was good seeing some of my friends and catching up. I'm going back today tho because I have homework I should be working on, and the thought that I have to leave home again makes me kinda sad. This is why I should limit myself on visits.

But, I am indeed a happy camper with my new piercing :D I've been wanting it for a while hehe. When the guy marked where he was going to pierce me then told me to smile, he was like, "Hella cute." Uhh, I guess, hardcore dude... haha. I was expecting way more pain but it hurt less than getting an immunization shot! I didn't even tell my parents but they haven't seen it yet... I think I'm just gonna show it so I don't have to hide it. =X

Hell Thursdays

Day 3 of college. Got up today at 6:30am to hit the gym with my supposed-to-be/ex-roomie Jizelle. After, she came back to my floor and got ready in my room. We made this plan we would do this every Tuesday/Thursday since both of our first classes start at 9:55am. So technically, we kinda are roommates. Thursdays suck the most for me. 4 classes, start at 9:55am and last class ends at 6:00pm. Small breaks in between.

No smiling with food in your mouth. Frosted flakes FTW. Let's hope I can get through today without dozing off.

The College Experience

It's been 5 days since I've been living the "college experience" here in SF, and must I say, I really love it. I think I work better independently, and I think I'm getting the space I've needed after the past few years. My friends and I who go here agree that our days feel so long because we're pretty much here all morning and all night, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I love how I can go take a nap in my room between classes, or just chill in my friends' rooms. I'm starting to believe in the "Freshman 15" as I eat hella crap since my meal plan for this semester is $2005. Yep, $2005 to buy all the food I want in 3 months... WTF. Definitely need to hit the gym but I can't get myself to wake up in the morning.

I'm still adjusting how classes and assignments are different. For example, I'm used to getting handouts and shizz on how projects need to be done, but now professors just blurt out instructions hella fast and my mind is too slow to absorb all of it. Full load this semester, let's see how it goes. So far, my teaching class (which ironically is the lowest credit class I am taking this semester, 2 credits) is what's scaring me the most so far with all the complicated sounding projects and such. Gotta stay focused, I can do this... I hope.

Definitely hella loving it. I love seeing peoples' reactions when I say "hella". =P

Sunset

Finally, orientation is over and tomorrow is the first day of classes. It was nice being able to catch up on sleep and to just relax after a crazy, hectic, yet amazing school year, but it's time to get back on that school grind. Back to doing homework, studying, and waking up early for class. At least my classes start at 9ish instead of 8am now. I looked over some of the syllabi my professors sent me and man... not looking forward to all these papers I already see I have due. This year will be the first year in 6 years that I have no involvement with Leadership or whatsoever, so maybe I'll be able to focus more on my studies. Gotta do what you gotta do: I seriously gotta make the most out of a 54k tuition.

Farewell summer of 2011. Hello freshman year of college.

Shame

In today's society, it's a shame that (in most situations) a girl and a boy can't be just friends without any assumptions.

Black Sheep

That awkward moment when you almost always see the same person everywhere you go. Or is it because you just notice them more? Or is it even awkward?

Tick Tock

Today's the last day I can really prepare for my move-in on Saturday. Pretty much done packing, I just need to pack away my make-up stuff, some toiletries, and my earrings/necklaces. I needa pick up some stuff I forgot to buy, pick up jeans from alterations, and clean my room. And then, I am reaaaaaaady! The whole moving in process seems like it's going to be chaotic though. Anyways, I just sent out my resume and applied for 3 different on-campus jobs. Wish me luck! =T

I'm turning 18 in 2 days? I've honestly never felt so careless about my birthday. I think it's because I had a cotillion over a month ago to celebrate it, hahah.

MY SLEEPING SCHEDULE SUCKS. I'M DOOMED FOR SCHOOL.

Alive

As I've been trying to rebuild the bridge to God, I finally fulfilled my recent yearning to go to confession.

Straight off the bat, the first sin I confessed to was not going to mass every Sunday as I know is really important to one's faith. It was the first thing the priest questioned me about, and I talked to him how I knew it was important to give at least an hour of my whole week to give thanks, out of a whole week of blessings. He proceeded to ask me, "Tell me something that God does to help you everyday." The first thing that popped in my mind and that I blurted out was, "He wakes me up and gives me another day to live every day."

...and at that moment, I was like DUH. Way to be stupid Cris-ann. You should be giving your life back and be forever thankful to the person who is the reason why you are alive and living. The priest laughed and said, "Exactly..." and started telling me that we wake up everyday because God wants us to live another day. When we stop praying and going to church, He takes things away from us. Honestly, that's exactly what happened throughout my senior year. The priest told me how 500 people attend mass everyday at that church, but he believes that many see church as something they "need" to do, or as a burden, rather than something they should want to do. Just like eating, mass should be a necessity.

After that refreshing reminder, I think I'm geared back on the right track, but I just need to build and maintain. Thankfully, there's an on-campus church at USF.

Yay for good confession sessions. =) The best one I've ever had was in Chicago tho, where the guy compared Jesus to Michael Jordan. Except I forgot what he said now... hahah. =P

Pencil & Pen

6 days until a new chapter unfolds, and I have decided that within the next 5 days, I will have this pen in hand, thoughts running through my mind, that will spill out onto a piece of paper. My thoughts are better written than said.

I honestly don't know what happened, but I need to get this out of my mind so I can breathe right once I'm away from home.

A letter of proper closure.

Crowded

When you got a bunch of stuff bubbled in you, you become more and more sensitive to even the little things.

Well, that's just me. Keeping all of this within me is not bueno.

Bittersweet

"Crazy to think we're staring the rest of our lives dead in the face."

-Timothy Mah

2 See Ya Later's down.

1. Monica Nguyen - USC (Indiana)
2. Eddie Carrillo - Pacific University (Oregon)

Good luck! I suck at goodbyes.

Bigz

MO MONEY MO PROBLEMS.

But that doesn't mean le money, le problems.

$$$$

What a day. I literally shopped the whole day and now I have sore calves from walking all over the place.

At first, my morning started terribly. I ended up crying because I found out Citibank had been trying to process with UCSF instead of USF and they told me I had to start my loan ALL over (shizz takes weeks...) and my tuition is due Friday. That means my classes would be dropped but figured out a solution thanks to money my sister left behind from a settlement. THANKS SIS, AND OF COURSE, JESUS. <3

Anyhow, after the situation was solved, I headed out to SF with my sister to go shopping for some clothes for school. Mr. AJ Velasco met up with us and came with us since he was on his like 3 hour break at FIDM. Pretty darn good weather. Ate a hella good poke tuna bowl for lunch, then went home and took my mom to the bank to solve that tuition problem, went to Valley Fair, Santana Row, then Target.

Today, I picked up...

• 1 top from Zara
• 4 tops from Forever 21 (3 long sleeves, 1 short)
• 2 scarves from Forever 21
• 1 set of earrings from Forever 21 (I just wanted the pearls because I lost mine =/)
• 2 scarves from H&M
• 2 lipsticks from Urban Decay (thanks mum<3)
• 1 All-in-One Printer (yay it's free thanks to Apple's rebates!)
• 1 pair of jeans from Urban Outfitters (that I finna taper tomorrow)

Courtesy of my sister for my early birthday present and gift cards, heh. I think at this point I'm alright for my clothes in SF, I think I could use more jackets/sweaters tho. I wanna go thrifting for those but wish me luck on that, hahah.

At Target, I bought all my necessities and school supplies. At that point I was really stressed and really started to see how much we need to cherish money. Because I spent a crapload of money.. But I still believe money doesn't equal happiness, idk at this point I'm too tired to explain. I'M ALMOST READY TO MOVE IN!!

All in all, I'm broke as FUUHHH now. No more spending, I think. Time to work on a budget for the small amount of money I have left.

Done deal.

I will be getting a lip piercing (only a diamond stud) and a behind the ear tattoo before 2011 ends. Still tryna think of something for the tattoo tho.

I totally would have gotten one by now, but I'm still a young'n. 17 years old, 18 in 10 days.

THAT SH*T CRAY.

Thanks a lot Troy Santos for introducing Jay-Z & Kanye West's album to me yesterday, I can dig it. Especially this song. Hahahah!

"That shi*t CRAY!"

Although yesterday did not have all the "bros", it was hella nice to finally hang out with everyone. I haven't really hung out with everyone since last summer, even tho some were in my court... =P (picture below is from my surprise birthday last year)

Lemme see yo ID.

So the other pictures I wanted to use to send in for my USF ID picture were not in "proper position" so I had to go gh3tt0 and take a new picture on Photobooth. Oh wellz. All the junk behind me is the mess compiling in my room of things for my dorm.

4/5 of my textbooks have been purchased, and 3 of them were bought thanks to a dandy Amazon gift card my sister got me for graduation. The last book I'm waiting on is the most expensive one (Human Bio), and I'm currently in a bid battle on eBay. If I lose, gotta pay $50 for it elsewhere... bleh.

First thing I did today was call Citibank and USF regarding my loan, which apparently still hasn't come in yet. Final deadline is this Friday or they're going to drop my classes. ANXIETY.

12 days until my birthday Move-In Day.

WDCDT: AUG7

WDCDT - What Did Cris-ann Do Today

Pops told me I could use my car, but only to drive around Milpitas, and to not bring it to the mall (he fears someone's going to hit my car when parking). I went to get a haircut, after my longest no-haircut-streak of over a year. Apparently my sister said my hair looks dead so all I did was get my split ends chopped off, so my hair is a little shorter. I don't know if it's noticable. Every single time I get a haircut, they always say "Good God you have so much hair!" Thick hair FTW.

I went to the mall, even though my dad told me not to, and found Eddie and Di-an driving away from the parking lot I parked in. They came with me to Bed, Bath, and Beyond where I used a gift card to buy stuff for my dorm. They left, I went to 7pm mass by myself at SJB, where I saw more familiar faces than usual.

Went to Target and bought pumps similar to Steve Madden ones I've been eyeing. Paying $30 instead of $70? Done deal. My sister told me to buy her a pair too. Grabbed some Easy Mac, It's It, and bought my favorite lead pencils for school too. The notebooks I needed for school were in undesirable colors so I shall come back for them later.

Now I am at home, chomping away on my favorite It's It with healthier hair. <3

TTP

"Where the road will go,

who knows?"

Agape

agape (n) - one of the Greek words translated into English as love, one which became particularly appropriated in Christian theology as the love of God or Christ for mankind.

Restoring my faith has been my mind these past few weeks. I enjoyed everything throughout my senior year up to now, but I've always felt like something was missing. It was almost a year ago I stopped attending my youth group and figured I would be able to maintain my faith on my own, but I got distracted. Time dreaded on and my faith slowly went down the hole.

The flame that represented my faith used to burn so strong. Many people "believe" in God, but to actually believe and feel it is another thing. My days used to be so ecstatic, because the feeling of actually feeling God's love in my life was amazing. I remember yearning so much to just spread that love and goodness to others, to be the hope to the hopelessness. I really felt as if with God, I could conquer everything. I honestly don't think I'll be ever to really explain how it felt, sometimes you have to witness it on your own.

Where do I stand now? I feel like I've taken Him for granted. I know He's always here, but I grew on some habit where I'd scarcely acknowledge and pray to Him where I actually meant it. Listening to worship songs everyday turned into skipping them the instant I heard them. Other things in the world got the best of me, and I pushed God away. It became more difficult for me to put aside even at least 5 minutes a day to give thanks, or an hour on Sundays.

What made me realize my downward spiral was when I cleaned my room and found all these things I wrote to myself, or simple reminders of my faith that came from my youth group. Not only that, but I skipped out on going to my youth group's Conference for the first time in 3 years. I thought to myself, "Damn, what am I doing with my life?". I went against my old morals and fell into the temptation of alcohol. I went from drinking from the blood of Our Father to the cup of the devil. My words went from speaking God's truth to the devil's slander.

Since then, I've vowed to fast from drinking. I don't need it, and there are many other more pure things in life I can do to to enjoy myself. I'm working on taking more time out of my day to just pray and talk to God, thank Him for everything, good or bad. I've been wanting to hit up Our Lady of Peace to go to confession, to cleanse all the void within me, and to just spend some time reflecting back on my life and faith.

With God, we are nothing. Therefore, we owe Him our everything.

"Jesus, You're all this heart is living for."

Mindset

Totally had a "moping moment" back there, no bueno. I stumbled upon a Tumblr post that said,

Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better in store."

And this made me realize what my old mindset was. Back when my faith was at it's peak of strength, I told myself all my pain and struggles were only breaking me down and refining me to prepare me for what's to come in the future. Here I am, wondering why I'm still emotionally suffering, but now I look at as me becoming a stronger person through these trials and tribulations.

With these faulty friend/relationships and streak of bad luck in my love life, I can say I'm glad I did not end up with any of those guys. For some, I really do question myself (oops sorry..) why I did. However, I definitely learned a lesson or two that I for sure will keep in mind in the future through each of these situations.

Ooh yeah, look who's getting back on their feet! Right when I thought I was drowning in my emotions. =)

&if there's anything I'm pursuing right now, it's your happiness.

Stuck

I just typed out a long blog, but I just erased it.

How the hell do get this void out of me? I'm tired of having this stuck in my mind day to day, keeping me awake at night, bringing myself down. It's over and done, things are better now, but I don't know why this is still leaving a toll on me.

Fine Skepticism

I know it, but I don't want to admit it to myself. I'm scared beyond belief, and my mind cannot twist this into words.

Montar en Bicicleta

So today was an attempt to start our own mini-Bike Party and just bike to random places. I'm really curious to see how far we rode but let's do some calculations.

START: 2:00pm

• Milpitas High School to Victoria's House (with a Burger King pitstop in between) = 4.9 mi
• Victoria's House back to Meera's house (next to MHS) = 4.9 mi
• Meera's house to McDonald's (near Lion Supermarket) = 1.0 mi
• McDonald's to Troy's House = 6.1 mi
• Troy's House to Brian N.'s House (stopped at Ranch 99 on the way) = 5.9 mi
• Brian N.'s House back to Meera's house (for my car) = 0.7 mi

END: 8:35pm (stopped at people's houses to chill and refresh, etc)

GRAND TOTAL OF: 23.5 miles

Wow. Now my ass hurts from an uncomfortable bike seat and my thighs are burning/sore. Definitely a great workout tryna keep up with Catap & Richard, work dem legs!

Apparently we have a goal before summer ends to bike to Fowler with way more people. WHOBEDOWN?!

Fitness Log

So far...

• 1,440 Jumping Jacks
• 1,120 Crunches
• 960 Squats
• 800 Leg Lifts
• 2 hours worth of running
• 4 minutes worth of sprints (lol)
• Skin = getting darker =(
• Love my Frees <3
• Favorite time to go running = 5-6pm
• Favorite part of running: Blasting goooood jams through my ears.
• Least favorite part: Seeing people I know while sweating my ass off.
• Feeling = GOOD.

Hopefully I can reach my goal before school starts. Working out is my therapy. Oh, sleeping too. =)

Rambalaya #1

rambalaya (n) - my word for a mixture of different rambles, just like jambalaya, which is a dish which consists of a mixture of many different ingredients

1. Here I go again with my "trust no one" attitude with talking to anyone about anything.
2. Thank you Eddie Carrillo for helping a sistah out.
3. Bro, I'm really worried for you. Please fight it off now. I really have no idea what I can do... but if there's anything you need, I'm here.
4. Fight evil with kindness.
5. Tuition due date is today. Pleeeeeeeeeease I hope Citibank sent a notification to USF or else they're going to drop my classes, and I just might cry if I lose them because my schedule is perfect for me. Stressing me out hellerrr bad.
6. Dude, nothing makes me feel more "forever alone" when your besties are all talking to someone/is taken. Of course, I trust in God's plan.
7. Super. Big. Sigh. I feel like you're permanently stuck in my history. I can't erase you from my mind as much as I try. You have definitely scarred me and I can't seem to shake it off, even though everything happened a while back now.
8. I see so many great things about you, but I really wish you didn't put yourself down so much. You're greater than you think.
9. I hella effing miss my sister. 3 more months until we are reunited once again...
10. "Go with the flow."
11. After messing around on Photoshop editing pictures, I realized I'm gonna really miss making stuff for my class like the flyers and stuff. Bahhhhhh.
12. I don't want to feel this way. But I can't fight it off. Like always.
13. I now have a headache because I feel like I really need to pull myself together.