Fearful

Why the heck am I so scared? Why is the thought that someone I have an interest in is actually interested in me back? What's so even great about me... why me? The last guy I actually had something with took almost a year to feel the same way I did. My mind is overanalyzing everything and thinking of so many ways of this can go wrong and end up like the other sad stories in the past. That's one of my weaknesses... overthinking.

I need to remember the past is the past, and it's in the past for the reason. It's not fair that I'm letting things that I thought I was moved past get in the way of my future. There's no doubt in my mind I've gone through horrific love tragedies in the past, and I need to find a way to bury them and get them out of my life for good...

Relevance

"I think I could like you, but I keep holding back
'cause I can't seem to tell if you're fiction or fact
Show me you can laugh, show me you can cry,
Show me who you really are
Deep down inside"

Chance

Sometimes it's crazy when you think about what you could of missed out on if you didn't take a chance. Funny because yesterday I was filled with frustration and was set on not going, but that text turned it all around. My mind kept telling me to just go, because "what if..." thoughts are the worst things that rock my mind at night. And look what happened, I ended up having a terrific time, and all I can feel is blown away by how close I was to not taking that chance, and how different things would be right now.

Thanks to the past, my mind is stuck believing that things are too good to be true. Is this really happening, or is this bullshit that will mess me up again in the end, putting the walls even higher? I can't help but cheese like a little lame kid when thinking about it or telling other people about it. But funny how it came down to you asking how I felt, I told you I don't know. I mean, I'm definitely interested too, but the thought of hurt that can be attached to this was pulling me away further. But that's the thing about love (which this is not even close to just yet), it is a risk that you have to be willing to take to feel one of the greatest feelings in the world. At the same time, I feel like this is all happening too fast, but now we can take the time to slow it down. I'm just doing my best to have no expectations as it's summer, and maybe even expecting the worst will be better for me.

He winked, she smiled.

Dilemna

What a tough decision for such a simple situation. The decision whether to take a risk should easily be determined by your heart, but as a girl who's heart has been toyed with over and over, you can't blame me for being scared. I overanalyze things and think the worst is to come for me. The walls have been built up high around this heart and I make it hard for others to enter even if I'm interested. Why is love so difficult nowadays? Shouldn't it be simple for a girl and boy to just tell each other they're interested in each other? Why must we now beat around the bush, play stupid games of "let's wait 3 days before I text her to keep her interested", "I'll wait 30 minutes before I reply to the text" or let's get to know each other over text? Why is it stereotypical for the guy to make the move, and why is it looked down upon for the girl to? If you want something, it should be simple to just go for what you want. I'm telling myself all of these things, but as always, easier said than done. My mind is so confused with itself, and it's just afraid from all the hurt in the past. As much as I'm over them, each crack to the heart brought a wall up higher over my heart. People are telling me to do this, people are telling me to do that, and I just don't know who to listen to. Maybe I just need to brush all these opinions and the past away, and just see for myself. By the end of the day, I'll see for myself if this is really something good or something that just won't work out.

And with the end of this rant, I guess I know what I'm going to do. I'd rather try and find out where this could head, rather than live the rest of my life wondering, "What if?" This is such a gamble because it can ultimately turn out to be something I've been waiting for, or a heartbreak in disguise.

I can't possibly get hurt by this..... right?

Summer 2012

AKA 
the summer of taking chances.

Surprise, surprise.

The unexpected things in life that are thrown at you are one of the things that help me enjoy life. Going day by day, with the same routine, sounds old and tedious; sometimes we need a curveball to spice up our life. I can't help but laugh and cheese at what happened (no really, what happened wasn't "me") and now I feel like a door has opened, but at the same time I feel like taking the side roads and just having fun with it since it's summer. Damn, what a way to start summer.

Oh, college....

Ooooof

Okay, now I think I'm having TOO much fun. Time to take a break and just let the simple fun of summer soak in.

Eye Candy

Got another case of eye candy, but again, it's more of a window shoppin' kinda thing. I can look but I can't have it.


HOOML.

Pre-Summer

Before I endulge myself in studying for the next 8 days... I can't believe my freshman year of college is almost over. I've gone through a lot of changes, but I'm happy where I am.

YWF

I'm just trying to have the fun I deserve.


=)