YSIS

Too many things remind me of you. I hate admitting it, but I still really miss you. I'm too afraid of hitting you up, but I can see we're both content with our lives now. And your happiness will always mean everything to me. I just want to know you're doing okay, and how everything is going for you.

If you're happy, I'm definitely happy.

Constant

When will this "bad luck" streak that I've been on... end?

I think I'm starting to develop this fear I'm going to end up alone.

Enough.

Found this while tossing out more crap out of my room today. A letter I wrote to myself at a YFC Sisterhood bonding at Casey's house after Conference I think. It's dated exactly 2 years ago, today. Definitely a good reminder to find.

Aye, hold up.

Get your head straight, young Lizardo.

Eeeeeek.

Semi-life Story at 17.5 Years Old

Today, I went shopping for items for my future dorm life and for warmer clothes/shoes at USF. As my mom and I took a food break at the food court, she asked me, "Why do you want to be a teacher again?"

I was too lazy to answer so I just said "I don't know." and stuffed a chicken nugget in my mouth. LOL sorry mom. But as I chomped onto that nugget, it's pretty weird thinking about where I've gotten to today.

Many people question me why I want to be a teacher. I'd say my relatives give me the hardest time about it. I remember my own uncle indirectly told me he thought being a teacher was a horrible idea through a lecture that beat around the bush that lead me to tears and walking away upstairs to my room. I may have lived in a household where I was raised to believe money equals happiness, but I think otherwise. I'm more of a... sentimental person? As long as I'm happy doing what I'm doing in life, I'll feel like I'm the richest person alive.

It started when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old. My sisters and I would play "school" and we'd make each other do work and grade it, blahblahblah. I enjoyed the hell out of it. As I grew up, my dream was to be a marine biologist since I loved dolphins and killer whales, and I wanted to be one of those cool trainers who'd swim with them and teach them tricks at Six Flags. My dreams were crushed as I heard that Shamu had killed their trainer. This may seem like a joke but this is the real deal!!

Anyways, I was a really shy girl believe it or not before I hit middle school-ish. During the "peace be with you" at church, people would try shaking my hand but I'd just turn away or pretend I didn't see them, and my mom would have to apologize and say, "Sorry, she's shy." My life pretty much changed when I started going to YFC and they brought me out of my shell. Thank You God <3 I was active there for like 5 years but then I stopped going this year... but no doubt about it that it forever changed my life and I am forever grateful for them. I was inspired by so many people in that group and they helped me through the hell holes I've been through.

Basically, I am really thankful for everything that I've learned and for becoming the strong person I am today. I was given hope at my lowest lows... and I just want to be able to be that source of hope for others. I've thought about it missionary wise, like the path my sister took in being a Full-Time Worker for YFC, but I'm pretty sure that is definitely not for me. I was also inspired by hella teachers in high school, and that's when I figured out that I wanted to be a teacher just like that. I personally hate teachers who just teach their shizz and sit down, I want to be one of those teachers that not only teach you the required content, but also serves as a mentor to students to help them with whatever they need, and to bring the best out of them. I personally thought about minoring in graphic design (due to all the stuff I had to make for my class, etc.) and in wedding planning (I realized I also enjoy planning events after being a class officer for 4 years and taking part of making things happen, yadidya), but we'll see about those in the future.

I believe there's beauty hidden in everybody, but sometimes it requires a little nourishment and encouragement to be brought out. Even so, some people don't even give people a chance to see what they have, because the flaws tend to cloud people out nowadays.

Blah, I feel like I'm rambling random sht now. I just like seeing people happy. I love helping people and just saying them happy. I'm going to be a teacher no matter how many people may doubt in that occupation.

Círculos.

Seriously, I feel like I always go through the same thing over and over. Walking in circles on different paths, always leading to the same outcome... does that even make sense? I just wanna take a path and finally get a different outcome for once. I'm unlucky.

I can't even decipher my thoughts. I can leave it at this:

Circles = story of my life. (so far)

Ex-Sprinter

Some people are against girls in cut-offs, but I'm 100% for it. As long as you're wearing a freakin' sports bra under, for heavens sake.

Perfect workout breeze goin' on outside!

One Big Room

3:02am and I am settled at home. I usually don't like to blog about my day anymore, but today was a good day worth blogging. It started with some squeaky clean teeth at the dentist at 11am, Savers trip, nap, then 3 attempts to kidnap my friends.

1st attempt: Mikhail. I try to look to see if he's coming while me and June are hiding and he sees me then smiles and waves. -__-

2nd attempt: Aljon. We were going to tie his hands behind his back when he came out, but he comes out holding some big ass mug full of blue gatorade. He would.

3rd attempt: Meera. Mikhail, a BOY, fails at trying to restrain her. Plus her parents were peering at her out their window...

Finally returned Mark his SD card and got to see him, Jay, and Jansen for a little bit. Dropped off June at work then swooped Ashley and Victoria to go ice skating. Me and Ashley have lost contact of each other after sophomore year and we pretty skated around the rink a million times catching up =) missed her! On the way back home, she sees a sketch taco stand on the side of the road in some dark parking lot and it smells good. We go check it out and surprisingly all the workers and customers help us a lot in explaining the menu since it's in spanish. $1 tacos! Dropped off AJ at home, then went to Meera's where we engaged into a game of chubby bunny then watched Hey Arnold on Netflix then part of Princess and the Frog. Dropped Mikhail and June off, and right when I'm almost home, my "MIN oil" light turns on or whatever. Crap. Looks like I may be car-less this weekend.

I really do enjoy having friends from all different cliques instead of being around the same people around the time. I'm not saying I don't like being stuck with the same old, but it's really fun and interesting seeing and experiencing the different perspectives everyone has. I feel like I should tune down on all the going out I do, but then again, I have less than a month before I'll be carless and back on the school grind. Hmm, yeah I should tune down.

Oreh

I had a horribly lazy day today due to the hot weather and constant slow jams that blasted through my iTunes. I did get rid of a bunch of clothes, but I still have more to go through. Tomorrow I really will stay home after my morning dentist appointment (yay clean teeefz!) to continue to get some stuff done.

Went to Eddie's All Star game today. Our side (North Side, wdup!) lost, but it's all good. I'm always really proud to watch him beast during his games. Seeing anyone pursue/fulfill something they're passionate about really inspires me in general. It's the last time I'll be seeing him play football in a really long time. He's going the farthest out of all my friends, =( I really am going to be sad when he leaves, but I'm happy for him that he's going to accomplish great things out in Oregon! Thank you "father"/40 year old mexican football player/hero for being an inspiration to me!

I'm in heavy debate whether I should trim my hair (split ends only) and bangs soon. And if I'm gonna do some crazy/different shizz to it. Ho-hum...

Work now, play later.

Time to get that mentality back. I've been seriously going out so much everyday and I'm going to put myself on lockdown until I get these things done. Gotta get my priorities straight, y4d!d4m3@n?!

• Call USF regarding Financial Aid (why they finna be charging more still even tho I finished all my online counseling and electronic signatures.. =/)
• Work on Citibank loan (to make sure they can cover the cost of Fall semester... !!!TUITION IS DUE AUGUST 1 O_O!!!)
• Get rid of hella clothes (what's the point of having clothes that I haven't bothered to wear and have been sitting around and getting in my way when I'm fumbling to find something to wear? Gotta make room for new clothes too hehe)
• Wash my car (currently looks dusty and ugly. Booo for having a car where dirt can easily be seen)
• Clean my room and get rid of junk, again. (my room turned into a mess again after my cotillion)
• Laundry (I like it when my clothes smell fre$h)
• Finish thank you cards from my cotillion (wtf my cotillion was 18 days ago, I shoulda finished this a long time ago. Shame on me.)
• Send Immunization Records to USF (shots shots shots shots shots shots EVERYBODYYY!!)
• Online Alcohol-Prevention Program for USF (Gotta read(?) and answer a quiz. I heard it takes 3+ hours. Oh noooo... :()
• Compile a list of what I need for my dorm (so I can start bargaining around and compile coupons! :D)
• Restart my workout plan (I got lazy and stopped working out after Senior Ball. Nothing feels better than knowing you're in shape... now that I have shweet runnings, time to get back on it!)

hopefully I can all of this done ASAP so I can peacefully enjoy the rest of my summer without anymore deadlines.

Glass

Have you ever thought, what if everyone's hearts were made out of glass? I'm sure at some point in life, everyone has had their heart shattered somehow, in a different ways. Just like any glass item, once it shatters, it becomes unique. Sometimes it's messed up forever, sometimes it's fixable. Once it's shattered, it becomes more fragile to toy around with, and it becomes a bit more scary to try coming into contact with. Sometimes a piece goes missing forever, or at least for a long time. But eventually (and hopefully), the solution comes around. The "super glue stuck to you" or "last piece of glass to finish the puzzle" comes to fix it, or whatever it may be.

Unconscious thoughts.... what am I talking about?

Scarred f0 lyf3 mang. Okay not really. Kinda. For now.

My Sister's Bike

Last night for me consisted of Simply Lemonade with raspberry, loud blasting music, relaxing looks out the window as the yacht moved through the water, making 1000 trips to the bar to get a cup of water while listening to 10 million repetitive apologies and saying it's okay every single time in effort trying to take care of a friend, a little dancing, unfamiliar faces, and a crave for chicken nuggets.

4am, we get to my house and I grab my keys... to find my house keys aren't on my lanyard anymore. (I think I dropped it at Lucky's) My sister is sleeping at her friend's house so I can't call her to open the door. So I had to choose between sleeping at Kristina's or calling my mom to open the door. Which one would get me in less trouble? Calling my mom to open the door. So I do.

My mom opens the door and I'm scared of what she'll say for me coming home at 4am. First and only thing she says to me is,

"Where's your sister's bike?" (I left it at my friend's house?)

This morning I get up to try and get the house key so I can go copy it. I don't want to tell my parents because of course they'll get pissed. I go downstairs because I think no one's awake and my mom is there reading the newspaper. I get scared that she remembers last night now and will get mad at me for coming home at 4am. First and only thing she says to me is,

"Where's your sister's bike? Did you return the speakers to Brian (my cotillion choreographer) yet?"

lol. Thank you to my sister's bike. Happy 21st Birthday Steven Leung and thanks Kristina & Roxanne!

Leftovers

Life moves way too damn fast.

And some people move on way too fast... damn.

Right on, dude.

Waking up and LOLing to texts from the bests, random decisions to go biking to get milk tea and dealing with flat tires, countless food and ice cream runs, obnoxiously singing songs very loudly in the car even though we don't know all the lyrics. Yeeeeeup, I think this is how summer is supposed to be.

Fack, fall tuition is due in almost less than 2 weeks. I need to get my ass on getting the financial aid stuff done. Gotta finish the online loan counseling test then get the Citibank loan approved. I wanna go to SF soon just to chill because it's been awhile, as well as get more familiarized with the areaa.

Maybe half of the city of Milpitas is off lining up or watching Harry Potter somewhere right now. Sorry yo, I can wait for the DVD.

Crazy, when a heart breaks, it never breaks even.

$hopping List

1. A Haircut. The past 2 haircuts I got last year ended up in asian hairstylists disregarding what I wanted and messing up my hair hella bad. Since those disasters, I went on a haircut strike. Sort of. I grew out my hair mostly with Senior Ball and my cotillion on my mind, but now those are over. But I want to grow out my hair way longer than it is now (which will keep me warm in SF? lol), but after a year of no haircuts, I think the split ends have got to go. And maybe fix the unproportional layers leftover from my last haircut disaster?
2. Clothes. Okay. I don't know if anyone noticed but I barely bought new clothes this year. I was basically wearing the same stuff I wore junior year but somewhat jumbled up. Not to mention I had horrible senioritis this year so I usually just threw on a hoodie and jeans anyways. The main reason why I didn't buy any clothes was because I was sacrificing shopping money to save up to buy stuff for my cotillion. But now I've gotten used to not shopping so when I actually shop, I get really lazy and give up easily. I needa start stocking up warm clothes and nice jackets for SF tho! Throw some boots and shoes in there too :D
3. Dorm Stuff. I'm moving out and into my dorm at USF. Exciting, but I haven't really thought about anything I need to buy except bedsheets and how I really want a mini fridge and microwave up in that ish. Oh, and a rice cooker, even though it's not allowed. >=)
4. MacBook Pro. Is an explanation really necessary? My laptop dies on me almost daily.

Yeah idk I can't think of anything else right now. Note how I've gotten into the habit of wanting to buy things that are more necessary to me, more than having materialistic items just because they're cool. I kinda wish I got a summer job to afford all of this.

Time

Reunited with my Blogspot, it's been awhile. Tumblr is full of sappy love quotes, reblogs of fuckyeah_____, and lacks personal thoughts. I've blogged less and less and I see more and more notifications of random 13-year olds following me. I don't know, I know I'm putting my feelings out into the public but with all the followers and shizz, it makes me feel like I'm putting on a show when all I am doing is venting or expressing my thoughts.

So I am abandoning the bopz on Tumblr for that purpose and I'm back to my OG Blogspot. As I looked back at my old posts, my mind wants to gag as I read about the crap I put myself through for guys in the past. Happens every time, that's why I'm a picky ass girl when it comes to guys. It's pretty funny reading the even older blogs. I started with Xanga in like the 4th grade and I remember I used to make my own layouts, and yeah that's when I started using Photoshop. Making my banners with those stupid swirls and stars LOL omg...

But time flies by hella fast. I cannot stress that enough. I'm sitting on my laptop, typing and rambling these random thoughts and in almost a month, I'll be moving out and going off to freakin' college. My friends and I will be attending different schools after 6+ years of knowing them. That seems a little insane to think about. I honestly don't think I took full advantage of free education, and now that I was slammed an email telling me to pay up 12k for ONLY fall tuition by August, I now see that education is no joke. 40 days and I'll set foot on campus with a bunch of boxes and who knows what will happen to me on there. Geez, never in a million years did I expect that I would end up moving out and going to school in San Francisco. The air there just speaks new beginning, new faces, new chances... new chances to make friends, to make the most out of a school that I have to pay 54k for tuition every year, or even a new chance to finally find someone? Nahh... I don't know. I'm going in with no expectations. I'm really clueless about some things and I need to get my butt working on my financial aid crap and whatevz.

I think that I think too much about the past and the future. I need to start living in what is happening NOW.

So... how's the weather?