falling apart

it almost feels like my life is falling apart right now.

little did i know this morning what that something would come into the mail and give me a punch into my face. what was it? my grades. back then in middle school, it'd be all whatever for me. however, it's highschool now and it's a real nailbiter for me. i already knew all my grades, except for biology, and that was the only grade i was wondering about.

just yesterday i was talking to jonathan about mr. hentschke's class. he was saying how mr. hentschke was a reaal laidback guy, and he is! he lets students go to the bathroom whenever he wants, and even if he sees it being abused, he doesn't really do anything about it. he sees students slacking off and fooling around in class, he stills us to knock it off, but rarely and almost never enforces it. i actually thought i'd pass this class in flying colors if i did my best on tests and did all the homework, in which i kind of did. however, this year i've been doing a horrible job on studying for tests. i've begun to realize this class is an independent class. jonathan told me yesterday, how we decide to act and when to pay attention in class reflects on our grades. my grade was slammed into my face, and i do believe i somewhat deserve it. i'm guilty for being one of those people who stick earbuds into my ears during notetaking and videos, and i mess around in class a lot too. i dont know, but it's time for a change, i'm seriously going to take my grades seriously.

English I (G. Roy): B
P.E. (Edwards/Lamb):B+
Spanish I (Marion): A
Biology (Hentschke): D
Geometry (Veltri): A
Cultural History (Castro): A-

i was watching TV when my mom says, "whats this D?!" and my heart seriously skipped a beat. never in my life have i received a grade lower than a B. it could of been a C, i seriously would of been okay with that, but a D?! i flipped out. i ran to look at my report card. everything looked so good, but that D was like a rotten egg in a carton of gold eggs. my mom yelled at me, she was disappointed in me. "you're not going to graduate as an honor student." that was my #1 goal. but really, i was more disappointed in myself than she was. but to have those words hurled at me, knowing she has no confidence in me anymore, it gave me this sensation as if my soul was starting to die.

i was struggling to keep my grades up in all my classes. i got a B in english because it appears i didn't turn in an assignment that i did, and my english teacher doesn't accept late work. = a B+ in pe because i was a non-swimmer in PE, but i passed all my tests. i really tried to do my best in volleyball to help raise it, and i'm going to take weight training seriously for sure. in spanish, i do my best to pay attention, biology i already explained. math isn't a problem for me right now since it's easy, and i used to have a B in cultural history. however, a bit of studying and really listening helped bring it up a bit.

i really need to prove myself and my mom wrong. my goals, no more going out afterschool. it will cause me to slack. i need to do my homework before anything else, and i need to take it seriously. less computer, my myspace went byebye already anyways. STUDY for the tests like forreal. so far my defintion of studying right now is reading before the test and that doesn't seem to help much.

i'm really at my lowest low right now. i've been going through a lot enough as it is, and this just added another knife to stab my soul. i don't know to do, who to turn to. no one seems to understand. tired of crying out of no where just thinking about all these problems, i feel like i'm at a state of depression. no kidding, i haven't been overwhelmed by so many problems until now. high school's one tough cookie, and hah, i have to go through 4 years of this stuff.

all i can do is pray, and hopefully God will send me an answer to help me get out of this struggle.

"there's no such thing as problems, they're called opportunities." -Robbie Ocampo

trying to take this in positively, it'll make me stronger in the end. praying for a better day...