1st of November

happy first of the month. I guess now would be a good time to get my thoughts finally together into a blog, as the rain poors and I lay in bed listening to the raindrops.

the semester is more than halfway done and I must honestly say I am physically exhausted trying to juggle working, going to class, and doing homework. I must say I am not too satisfied with how I am doing in school... I'm not doing horrible, I just know I'm not doing my best. I can't say I'm struggling financially, as I've grown to learn how to save money and now I've been sticking to basically only buying necessities and less of the goodies for myself. It's crazy how fast time is flippin' by... this is basically the last full month of the semester.

wow, I really don't know how to put into words how life is going for me right now. Honestly, it's not the best but I can't complain. that's what I've been saying all semester. I've only told one person what exactly has been going on in my life, and the look on their face when I just spilled out was more of a surprised look that they never knew that's what I'm going through. I choose not to tell anyone because I am not seeking sympathy or for anyone to treat me kinder just because of this. But honestly, with this dead social life of mine, sometimes I wonder if people would treat me maybe with more respect and consideration if they only knew. Like I said, that's not what I want, but it's just a thought.

Okay, maybe it's time to stop putting up a front, but I am indeed struggling. But each day, I strive to shove a smile on and look to the brighter side. Yeah, it works... but deep inside, I know I'm hurting. It's just sad because I guess I've become numb to the feeling where I can't tell until I get into bed and start thinking about it before I fall asleep.

And my mind, needs to stop thinking about the damn past. I keep thinking about those failed attempts, how much I miss those people, when in the end, it's only the feeling that I miss. Honestly, I feel like so many people are trying to get to me but I'm just not interested. I don't know what the fuck I want.

I feel mentally corrupted. I don't know what I'm doing to myself, but honestly, I need an escape.

big sigh. I just spilled out a complete negative blog. not really what I was going for, but I guess it's the truth? haven't vented in a while honestly... but I guess this has just helped me comprehend a little what is going on in my life.